disappointment

Time and time again I was a disappointment to my parents. I didn't live up to what they wanted me to be. Gate? Who cares? Honors? Whatever. AP classes? Big whoop. College acceptance letters? Already open and scattered on the kitchen table by the time I got home. Growing up, no one ever cared about me. No one really cares about me now; I guess that's the repercussion of having divorced parents. They have new kids and forget about the old ones but still remember the first born, which happens to be my brother who's messed up in life a few times. I don't know why I try so hard when no one even cares at the end. I've never got a "I'm proud of you" "good job" or even a pat on the back or a high five. My older brother has messed up a lot in his life time; yet they still look at him with such proud faces. I don't know, I've always had this problem and I always write about it but mainly in my livejournal. The only person that really knows how hard I've had to struggle is Alice because she's been my friend since 1st grade.She's slept over my house hundreds of time and went to every single party my family has thrown. My whole extended family knows her as well and now she even lives with me so she can see it even more.

I just hate disappointing my parents because that's all they ever see. They don't see the fact that I'm riding my bike on my own until after when they see me on the ground because I fell off. They see past anything and every good I try to do and just see the bads. I got good grades in school, never did drugs, never smoked, never drank (well minus the time they caught me, I never did after that), I never talked back, never yelled back, never fought against them, never stole, never broken the law, nothing. Yet here I am, in my room wondering what I ever did. Looking back at almost 19 years of my life and wondering what went wrong.

A lot of people don't understand why I love Gun so much or to what extent. Gun was probably the only person to tell me they were proud of me or to believe in me so much. I know it's a cliche, but I've seriously grown to be a better person because of him. He's the only person that ever pushed me and told me I was worth something. If we ever break up, I would never regret being with him but be happy that I was luckily enough to have someone who believed in me and wanted me to succeed. I will never regret having a letter G permanent on my skin. I will never regret anything about Gun and hopefully someday, Gun will see how much I truly appreciate not only how good of a boyfriend he is, but how good of a friend he is.

My dad is the second and only other person who's ever said he's proud of me. And I'm so so so scared to disappoint him. I have in the past but less than my mom and step dad because I don't live with my dad. But I have been forgotten by my dad for my older brother. Like I said, the first born, no matter how bad he/she is, always outshines the other children.

I don't know if anyones ever seen my long heart necklace. I wore it a few times. Well, inside there's a picture of my dad on one side and Gun on the other. I would take a picture of it, but I'm at my dads house and my necklace is at my moms. Maybe next time.